


im best friends with my doubt

by dancing_mannequins



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cuddles, M/M, he teaches u to play the drums, i tried for fluff but its actually pretty angsty, male reader - Freeform, mm i stayed up until 4am to write this but it was totally worth it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 17:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7114990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancing_mannequins/pseuds/dancing_mannequins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ever since you made friends with josh, you were afraid of losing him. he's too perfect for you, he's too kind to you. but maybe all of the anxiety clouding your vision is preventing you from seeing the truth - maybe he <i>does<i></i></i> like you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	im best friends with my doubt

**Author's Note:**

> props to my friend for giving me the prompt! god, i hope this turned out ok. i stayed up really late writing this and i got like four hours of sleep but y'know whatever :'0  
> this is probably one of the longest fics i've ever _actually ___completed. i hope you enjoy this lmao

i stood nervously in front of josh's front door, fingering the strap of my backpack as i waited for him to answer the doorbell. we were gonna hang out today, probably watch some tv and make dumb jokes. seeing as it was also a saturday, i might even spend the night. half-formed fantasies of josh and i sharing a bed fluttered through my mind, and i felt my face grow hot. i couldn't deny that i cared about him more than myself, that i was probably in love with him.

i was shaken out of my thoughts as josh opened the door with a grin on his face, eyes squinting with glee as they always did. it was comforting to see him so happy. josh being happy made me happy, seeing him laugh made me grin. 

"you're here!" he pulled me into a quick hug and i tried to take in everything - the smell of his shirt, the warm feeling in his arms, the way his shirt bunched up around the seams. he held me at arms' length and i smiled nervously. i'm always nervous around josh. (nervous i'll mess it up. nervous he'll stop talking to me. nervous he'll start hating me. nervous he'll leave like everyone else.) "i've been waiting for you to show up all day! i bought your favorite soda, too." 

i followed him inside, closing the door behind us. he's been happily expecting me? he bought my favorite drink? he _remembered that it was my favorite_?? even if we did start dating, i wouldn't deserve a guy as nice as him. he's too perfect. i tried to gulp all of my anxiety down, fiddling with the edge of my star wars tank.

"so, what do you wanna do today?" as strange as it was, my voice was level and happy, even though i was a nervous wreck inside. actually, i'm pretty sure that hug had helped calm my nerves without me even realizing it. cool. 

"last time you said you wanted to learn to play the drums, so i made sure they were set up before you got here!" my face got red again as he said this. i never really thought he would remember, and i was still incredibly flattered that he bought soda just for me. 

"you- you remembered?" my voice seemed to get caught in my throat, and he chuckled.

"yeah, man, why wouldn't i? you're my friend." his dazzling smile caught me off-guard. god damn, i am so fucking gay. "do you wanna start now, or wait until a little later?"

"now is cool." i shrugged, and set my backpack down on the kitchen counter, next to the coffee maker. (it was probably josh's favorite kitchen appliance.) i could almost hear him smiling, and when i turned around to see him grabbing a couple tall glasses out of the cupboards. i leaned my back against the counter as he opened the liter of soda in the empty side of the sink. 

josh asked me how my day had been going as he filled the glasses as much as he could, but truth be told, i was just looking at his cute butt. i refrained from cursing at any deity for the fact that he almost only wore skinny jeans. 

"my day's better now that i can see your cute smile." the flirt tumbled out of my mouth before i could stop myself, and i could feel my face heating up once again. i gripped the edge of the counter out of a sudden wave of anxiety, but it was flushed away when josh let out a big laugh.

"oh, i'm cute now, aren't i?" he turned and grinned at me, and i groaned and hid my face under my hands. "if i'm cute, then you're even cuter." i groaned louder, laughing sarcastically. i didn't want to list all of the things i didn't like about myself, this was supposed to be a good day. 

"no, you're definitely cuter than me. your smile is better, your laugh is better-"

"dude." i stopped talking when he put his hands on my shoulders. i peaked out behind my hands and almost regreted doing so. josh was staring at me with a strange mix of emotions in his eyes, affection? pity? i couldn't tell. "you're cute, you're fine, shut up." i just nodded, dropping my hands from my face and watching as he removed his from my shoulders. i couldn't lie that i somewhat missed the warmth. we both grabbed our sodas and went to the basement where his drum set was. i tried to get out of my depressive thoughts, trying to think how grateful i should be because i had josh as a friend.

yeah, just a friend.

 

****

 

josh showed me how to properly sit on the drums, how to hold the sticks, and what sounds different drums had. after a bit of explaining and a lot of fucking up on my part, i had finally drummed out a cohesive beat for more than thirty seconds. the proud look on josh's face was enough to set me whirling, and without realizing it, my hand slipped and i accidentally chucked one of the drumsticks right at him.

my entire body felt numb and on edge, full of adrenaline and ready to run. i'd fucked up, just like i thought i would. all i could see on josh's face was shock, and i stared back at him with my mouth half-open for a good twenty seconds. the stick had hit him right on the forehead and i had a feeling that this is where i was going to die, this was the place and this was the time and i thought to myself, man, isn't it a shame that we never finished that creme soda.

"aw, dude, that hurt." josh said, reaching up to touch the quickly-forming bruise. i opted to hide behind my hands again, muttering an apology. i honestly felt like i could start crying, but it's not like i was the one who got hurt. maybe hurt as in my already tiny ego, but josh had a fucking bruise now. i didn't notice that josh had walked over to me until he pulled me up off of the stool. 

"does it look bad?" he asked. i was expecting him to yell at me, be mad at me. i shook my head, still somewhat in shock. "it hurts when i touch it." josh rubbed at the spot. was he... pouting? 

"then stop touching it, dude." i gently pulled his hands away from his face.

"but-"

"what do you want me to do, kiss it better?" i rolled my eyes, talking without even thinking. i should really stop doing that, because josh poked his tongue out and nodded, grinning. "oh my god, you dork." he leaned down and i softly pressed my lips to his forehead. my head was swimming. i had to be dreaming, right? no way this could happen in real life. my face was burning when i pulled away, but josh was grinning like he won the lottery. "you're a jerk, i hope you know that," i said jokingly. josh just laughed and pulled me back upstairs. he pulled me onto the living room couch and i almost fell onto him. josh looked a bit smug all of a sudden, and i didn't really know how to respond to what he said next.

"because you have wounded me so, you're gonna make up for it by cuddling with me and watching as much x-files as we can until we pass out."

the most articulate thing i could respond with was a well-phrased _uhm_ and a tiny nod. so josh pulled me into a hug and fell backwards onto the couch. i may or may not have buried my face into his shirt in embarrassment as he pulled up netflix on the tv. after a couple minutes of theme-song and awkwardly clutching to his shirt, josh broke the silence.

"you can relax, you know. i'm not gonna phase out of existence or get abducted by aliens." he chuckled at the last part but i only grimaced. but i loosened my grip and tried to get more comfortable against his side. i tried to focus on breathing, my breathing, josh's breathing. but i focused too hard and it felt like i was suffocating, like it was getting harder and harder to pull air into my lungs. but i didn't say anything, i didn't move, i just tried to focus on josh's heartbeat and josh's arm around me and the way the tv's light flickered across his face in the darkening room. 

eventually, i wasn't thinking about breathing anymore, i was nestled comfortably in josh's arms with my cheek against his chest. i started to drift off, the way josh was stroking my shoulder softly was comforting, lulling me to sleep. 

i had strange scenarios flittering through my head, half thought and half dream. you know when you're just about to fall asleep but your eyes are still partially open, so your head makes things up surrounding what you can see? it was that sort of thing. half-formed fever dreams about josh and i, soft little kisses but also harsh, loud words. demons scraping my skin while i fall into the couch cushions and he doesn't even notice. 

i don't know how long i was out, just that when i woke up i was pretty sure it was a different episode and josh was softly laughing at something. 

"huh? what?" i mumbled, blinking slowly. brilliant.

"mulder." josh shook his head slightly, smile on his face and laughter still on his lips. "he's pretty ridiculous, to be honest." 

i hummed in agreement, moving my legs a little. they had tangled up with his while i was passed out, i assumed. not that i was complaining. i wanted to be as close to josh as possible, i just didn't want to lose him in the process, y'know? i'm so afraid of anyone leaving, i live off of praise and i doubt everything i do. (now wasn't the time to cry into josh's shirt.) 

"hey," my voice didn't sound my own. "are you ever gonna get tired of me?" josh was silent for so long i wasn't sure he even heard me.

"why would i get tired of you?" he answered eventually. "there's so much we can do, and i love your company."

"please don't lie to make me feel better." my voice was muffled, i had pressed my face into his shirt to try and fend off my impending tears. i could almost feel the pity radiating off of him. once again, i shouldn't have said anything. i probably made it worse, he's probably getting tired of me, i ruined it again-

"why would i lie to you? what would i get out of that? i don't want you to be fake happy for me, put on a mask and act like you like me. i want you to be _actually_ happy." josh tightened his grip around me, rolling over a little so my face was in his chest and he had turned away from the tv. even though i couldn't see them, i knew my hands were shaking. i tried to breathe, tried to focus on josh's arms around me, his hands pressed against my back. i could just barely hear his heart beating. our legs were still touching, and i realized one of mine were trapped between his. i would have blushed if i didn't already feel like i was imploding. i tried to move my legs away from his but josh just gripped my shirt harder.

"don't. please." his voice was quiet and it seemed a bit strained. he was quiet for a couple seconds before speaking again. i was faintly aware of the x-files still going in the background. "you're not the only one with abandonment issues, you know." 

"i'm sorry." i felt awful even apologizing. what was i even apologizing for? i felt josh shifting, moving me a little upwards and moving himself a little down. our noses were almost touching, and i felt like i would lose myself if i looked into his eyes too long. i tried to look anywhere else but josh slipped his hands up to gently hold my cheeks.

"it's ok." he whispered.

"you're gonna make me cry, dude." i chuckled, savoring the feeling of him holding me in an even more intimate way. i kinda wished we always did this. we laid in comfortable silence, him holding me, me still gripping his shirt like he was a lifeline. (i really shouldn't get attached to people.)

i could tell that josh wanted to say something. he kept swallowing nervously, adam's apple bobbing. he wasn't really looking at me anymore, his eyes kept flitting around.

"something on your mind?" i croaked out. all of our words were quiet. josh's breath was getting a little short.

"so- when are you gonna kiss me?"

i swear, i stopped breathing for a second. josh's lips were slightly parted and he almost wouldn't look at me. i could feel his breath on my mouth, and as gross as that sounds, i didn't really mind. 

"i didn't know you wanted me to." without really knowing what i was doing, i untangled my hands from his shirt and slid one arm around his waist.

"you have no idea how badly i want you to." 

"...so, like, me kiss you or you kiss me?"

"dude, either one, come on already!"

i closed the gap, trying not to bump into his nose, trying not to knock teeth. he tasted like creme soda, actually. (well, warm creme soda. but that's besides the point.) his stubble was tickling my chin. i could tell he'd probably wanted this for longer than i would have ever expected. it seemed like he wanted to pull me as close as he could, like maybe _i_ would leave, too.

josh let go of my cheeks so he could wrap his arms around my neck, pressing my chest even closer to his. i could barely breathe between our ever-increasing kisses, but it's not like i really cared. it was a little sloppy, yeah, and i kept accidentally breathing in when he breathed out, but it was a moment that'll go on my highlight reel. i'm pretty sure i was near death with josh nibbled on my lower lip.

"do you- do you wanna stay the night?" he said in between kisses.

"hell yeah." 


End file.
